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A Drunk Walks into a Bar
 

A drunk walks into a tavern and walks up to the bar. The bartender wanders over and says, "What'll it be?" He replies, "Free beer all around!" So the bartender sets up a cold one for everyone in the bar. Then the drunk says, "I'll have a shot and a beer and get a shot and a beer for yourself since you are so nice." So the bartender pours a couple of shots and two more drafts.

The drunk downs his shot and follows it with a swallow of his draft. The bartender follows suit and then says, "That'll be $48.50 please." The drunk responds, "I've got no money."

With that the bartender jumps over the bar and throws the guy out, kicking him in the rear on his way out the door. The drunk lands face down on the sidewalk.

A little while later, the drunk returns and the bartender says," What are you doing back here?" Again the drunk responds, "Free beer for everyone and I'll take a shot and a beer, too." "But don't pour one for yourself, you get mean when you drink!"

 

A man goes to an acquaintance's funeral. During the service, he asks the man's sister, "What a shame, how did he die?" "Cirrhosis,'' she laments. "That's terrible–did he ever quit drinking?" "Oh no," she replied, "It never go that bad."

A man goes to the doctor with two severely burned ears.
"How in the world did this happen?" the doctor asked.
The man said, "Well doc, I must confess, I likes to drink a few when I get home from work. Last night I came home from work and had my usual few drinks, and was sitting on the sofa having another. My wife wanted to talk to me and iron at the same time so she set up the ironing board next to the sofa. Well doc, the phone rang and without thinking I picked up the hot iron instead of the phone and pressed it against my ear."
"That explains the one ear," the doctor said, "but what happened to the other one?"
"The damn fool called back!" the man said.

First I was addicted to alcohol... then prescription drugs... then nicotine... then caffeine... then to my own childhood as a child of an alcoholic... then to gambling... then to spending... then to members of the opposite sex... Altogether that's NINETY-SIX STEPS I'm working!

Fred, a long-time AA member, let his son borrow his truck for the night.
At the next night's meeting, Sally, the group gossip & self-appointed monitor of the group's morals, accused Fred of drinking, after seeing his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar the night before. She had called other women in the group, and they went to see it too.
Fred, a man of few words, stared at her a moment, then turned & walked away. Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his truck in front of Sally's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 35 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible."Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy". 

How many Al-Anon members does it take to screw a light bulb?
None.... they just detach and let it screw itself.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? What do you mean, change?

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!! "Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?" Asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator. Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?". "No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  • If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
    Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
  • If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
  • If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
  • If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
  • If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic who was stranded on a desert island?
He found a bottle floating near the shore. When he opened it, out popped a genie––his salvation! The genie said, "I'll grant you two wishes", to which the alcoholic replied quickly with his first wish, "I'd like a never ending bottle of whiskey." The genie immediately complies with his wishes and provides him a with never ending bottle. When asked what his second wish would be, the alcoholic replied, after careful consideration, "I'll have another never ending bottle of whiskey!"

    Heard at Meetings:
     "If you can't learn to laugh at yourself, we'll do it for you..."
    "I am the black sheep of the family. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and found the rest of the herd."
    "You can live a perfectly normal life, as soon as you realize your life will never be perfectly normal."
    "Remember, once you're a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again."
    "A resentment is hurting yourself with the hope that someone else will feel the pain."
    "All you get from sitting on the pity pot is a big ring around your butt."
    "If you're gonna pray for potatoes, you'd better grab a hoe."

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through a run of drinking jokes, when a large, guy, the town drunk, stands up says, "I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating drunk jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype those in this bar that way? The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It’s guys like you who keep guys like me from being respected in this community," he continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against drunks." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The drunk interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
     

 


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